When Does It Make Sense to Consciously Uncouple? — Avoiding Bad Agreement Breakups

Anna Margolis
6 min readMay 14, 2020

Over the course of the past few days I’ve found myself in a variety of conversations about agreements that have broken down between people that are causing considerable pain, tension, and have even, in some cases, escalated beyond threats to actual legal action:

  • One was a business partnership between two female best friends.
  • One was a loan agreement between two female best friends.
  • One was a marriage.

And so while I’ve generally been focussing so far in this series on how agreements serve to stabilise the bonds between people and how valuable they can be for supporting us to stay IN the relationships that the agreements pertain to, particularly when the going gets tough, Life now seems to be inviting the illumination of the other end of the spectrum.

Because if the agreement you’re in is not actually the right agreement for you, and it’s bonding you to the other person or people in a way that’s not actually in right alignment for the true Nature of that relationship, then it ends up binding you into that position, and as time goes on and tension builds, it inevitably ends up feeling very uncomfortable and/or extremely painful and will eventually come to a break or blossom point.

And in this moment, ending an existing agreement can actually be the most liberating thing to do.

Because maybe the way you were relating to each other in that dynamic wasn’t in highest service to both of your sovereign divinity.

Maybe there was too much financial or emotional dependency or codependency happening, that was preventing each of the parties from fully expressing their perspective and standing up in their power.

Maybe there was a parent-child pattern playing out that was suffocating the sexual or creative polarity and stifling the relationship.

And maybe the separation catalyses an individuation process that helps both parties reconnect to their centre and to their own alignment and direct connection with the Divine.

In these types of circumstances the letting go of the existing relationship can serve as a metaphorical death of the way things were, and provide an opportunity for either:

(a) The relationship to disassemble, reconfigure and reassemble in right alignment out of the ashes (like a death and rebirth process); OR

(b) The parties to walk away in order to connect elsewhere in right alignment with others they genuinely have greater resonance with.

And so if it comes to it, this break or blossom moment is where we’re presented with the real moment of Truth for us.

Because whether you’re truly meant to be in relationship with the other person/people or not, is neither here nor there, what matters is what we choose in the moment that we’re faced with the real opportunity for alchemy.

Do we choose to break the agreement on the basis that we think we’re being empowered in liberating ourselves from the pain and discomfort but we’re really making the other person wrong, holding them as the bad guy still and feeling hard done by and residually victimised by the situation?

Or do we reflect on what it was within us that created this situation and take responsibility for how the other person, a person that we felt a deep enough love or alignment or connection to that we chose to enter into an agreement with them in the first place, is showing up to mirror and reflect back precisely what’s out of alignment within ourselves and how we’re relating to them?

Because ultimately, whether you’re pursuing a Shared Vision with people or not, Life itself is a developmental journey where everyone we’re in connection with is our teacher, reflecting back to us what’s in highest service for us on our evolutionary journey right now.

So if we’re out of alignment within ourselves and our relationships and we are in an agreement that serves to amplify that in our experience, then it’s entirely natural that tension is going to build in order to bring us to a place of getting back into right alignment. If Life didn’t take it to a place of break or blossom, then we’d very likely stay tolerating the mild to medium level of discomfort and things wouldn’t change.

But if we don’t see how we’re fully creating that situation in service to:

  • standing up in our power and learning to express our perspective, feel our emotions and communicate from the heart;
  • getting into right alignment with the Divine;
  • getting into right relationship with the other person; or
  • consciously uncoupling so we can move into alignment with others we resonate with more fully;

and we just bounce out and still hold ourselves as a victim or the other person as wrong or bad, then we’re simply going to find ourselves in another repeat situation further down the line anyway.

So, to clarify:

1) Agreements serve to bind people into relationship with one another. So, if your tendency is to avoid intimacy and/or you have a history of broken relationships, then an agreement can be really helpful for keeping you IN the relationship in order to work through the inevitable tensions that arise for the purposes of alchemy on your individual and group development journey in service to actualising your vision.

2) From one lens there’s actually nothing wrong with tension or conflict in this regard. It’s very natural and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the wrong relationship. The question is really how willing you are to deal with it, how you deal with it, and whether, when you do, it actually alchemises, is fully forgiven, let go of and everyone returns to a space of open-hearted love with each other.

𝑵𝑶𝑻𝑬: 𝑰𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒈𝒐, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒄𝒆. 𝑺𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒈𝒐 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒖𝒑 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒚.

3) That said, if you’re out of alignment in your relationship with the Divine and your relationship with the other person (e.g. dependent or codependent on another human) then letting go of the relationship and agreement as it is may well be the right thing to do — it may just represent the equivalent of a natural winter season or death and rebirth in your relationship OR it may be that you’re meant to disconnect in order to align elsewhere;

4) Facing this break or blossom point provides the opportunity for everyone involved to:

  • Show up to the hard conversation;
  • Express the uncomfortable thing;
  • Feel and alchemise any emotion that’s arising in the connection;
  • Recognise if/where this is a repeat pattern in your experience and genuinely take self-responsibility for creating that in your experience;
  • Once the emotion has moved and you feel less vulnerable, it’ll be easier to let your guard down and open your heart back up to the other person/people;
  • Be clear about what’s important to you going forwards;
  • Then you may even be able to remember and get back in touch with what united and excited you in connection with this person/people in the first place and see if that’s still alive for you;
  • If it is, you may wish to explore that further with a view to reconfiguring your relationship into right alignment;
  • If it’s not, then you may choose to part ways consciously and lovingly without holding the other person as wrong or leaving anything as unresolved in your system (including self-judgment).

5) If you ultimately choose to reconfigure your relationship and you therefore want to sign a new agreement then, as I’ve spoken about in previous posts, I would suggest getting very clear on your Shared Vision and treating the process of forming that agreement with the appropriate level of patience and reverence; and

6) If intense conflict arises again and you find yourself polarizing, seek support from an outside perspective that is holding the situation in highest service to your relationship and your vision and can help you to lovingly navigate through that experience together.

So, if you’re working towards a big vision that it takes a team to bring to fruition and you’d like to have a conversation about how I can support you in coming into alignment in preparation for your agreement initiation, DM me for an exploratory connection call.



Anna Margolis

As a former lawyer, Anna merges material world memories, tales of transformation and embodied experience in articulating the future of collaboration