I can feel a welling up in my chest as I begin to type this
That familiar sensation of a kind of soccer ball sized ball of outward pressure in my lungs and up into my throat
And the cavity of my nose starting to sting a little
And my lips beginning to quiver
As a few tears spring forth
Lauren read some pieces to us in preparation for this creative writing circle
I hope she shares them with us so you can see them, because something about them touched me deeply
And then she identified a set of prompts, one of which stood out to me immediately
“Becoming a human seed”
And then the pressure in the chest began.
I’m not even sure why.
If I’m honest, knowing that this writing circle would be coming back around again, it’s felt like there’s been some emotion lingering just under the surface, quietly but noticeably, not quite ready to reveal itself.
Because there’s something about this time in circle that we choose to spend together, that in spending a week really absorbing and sharing what came through this group last time, feels like touching God.
No, not just touching, it’s more than that.
Touching doesn’t quite do it justice.
Ha! There they are again…..the pressure in the chest and the tears.
We’re clearly getting close to something here.
No, touching doesn’t do it justice.
It’s far more a sense of being used.
It’s funny, I think I must have historically associated that word with what it means to feel “used” by another person.
Like taken advantage of, or not appreciated and discarded somehow.
Or utilized, which to me feels like the word somehow has a sciencey, dry, cognitive flavour to it.
But what I’m describing,
The experience that, in thinking about it, is creating this welling up that’s happening for me as I’m typing this,
Is the sense of being used as a vessel, as an embodiment of all the lessons that have been, and all the parts that have been integrated and reclaimed along the Way;
Along an awakening journey, out of a sort of spiritual amnesia (that’s one of the phrases that came from Lauren’s context pieces, which I really liked)
Which felt in part like a forgetting, yes
And in part like some kind of thick haze over my consciousness, kind of like those grey graduated cloud layers of different densities you see on rainy days.
A haze that I kept adding to, like I was pointing a smoke cannon at the grey clouds, and spouting more haze through my addictions to things that would support me not have to feel my uncomfortable feelings.
And so yes there’s a remembering.
And I notice I particularly like remembering some parts.
Like the primal aspects.
I really like remembering those.
Remembering and letting myself touch into those parts and play as them for a while.
Rolling around, growling, rough-housing with others in a way that just feels good to the body.
To be pressed up against other bodies.
And there to be a rubbing up against eachother like cats do when they find a corner to scratch and slink around.
And maybe it’s sexual
Or maybe it’s not.
But it conveys SOMETHING through the body that’s both different and the same as that.
So yes, there’s a remembering.
A remembering of what it’s like for the body to feel closer to Nature.
To feel more attuned with Her, more in rhythm with Her, more in communication with Her.
To be able to interpret her signals and feel her language through heightened senses.
But along with the remembering there’s something else.
At first I thought it was kind of a lightening of the haze as we begin to start choosing how we be, rather than always being on the back foot of our development journey, where we’re totally victims to everything until we’re not.
But I feel like it’s less of a lightening external to us and more of an emanating that comes from us that creates a field that radiates out of us in such a way that our field simply pierces through the haze, which creates a sort of bubble or sphere around us, which bloops out to bigger and bigger, like bubbles do, when our fields join together in small groups.
So as the spiritual amnesia is continually being awoken from, I feel like our bodies can consciously be chosen to be used…
As a vessel, as an embodiment of all the lessons that have been, and all the parts that have been integrated and reclaimed along the Way;
And that choosing to be used by the Divine;
Praying with humility and our whole hearts to be used in the best and highest Service to all beings;
We open the channel for that to be so.
And whatever comes coursing through us comes through our body template which is the sum total of all the work we’ve done along the way.
We are Divinely inspired.
Incidentally, notice how you’ll be Divinely inspired when you breathe in (a.k.a inspire a.k.a in spirito) the Divine.
And to me, that’s how we become the kind of Human Seed that, when planted in a small group culture, generates the More Beautiful World.